Sam fell hard

Sam fell down the stairs last night. I came out of my room to see what the noise was and he cussed me out from the floor. He was really drunk and was naked, except for one sock. I told him to put some clothes on, so he put on a hat and spit on me. I hate that dude.

My roommate is a drunk ass

I came home to find Dian leaning over our fish bowl, trying to fish out our one goldfish with a staple tied to some dental floss. Dian is SUCH a fishwhore! He loves him some fish. When we went to Miami, he ate a dolphin with some homeless dude. They said they found it on the side of the highway and that it was "roadkill" but seriously, what dolphin crosses the street? No dolphin does! Dian called it "Pastrami if the sea." He is sickening.

What would you call what Dian does?

Dian shits in his sleep, I shit you not. Not in his bed, and not always in the bathroom. Like sleep-walking. But really it's sleep-shit-walking. Or would that be only if he shits while he's actually walking? Doesn't matter. He sleep-walks and then shits somewhere in the apartment before going back to bed. When I confronted him about it yesterday, all he said was, "Oh yeah, I was burned in a fire when I was little..." and then walked away. WTF?

Last christmas I tried to be nice and get Sam a gift. Sort of an olive branch thing, you know. It was a nice little Ipod. He took it from me rather shocked that anyone had gotten him anything. He thanked me and went to his room with it. That asshole rewrapped it in there and brought it back out to me. I actually thought he had gotten me something and we had a total moment. When I opened it I was so mad. I yelled at him because he had just rewrapped my gift and handed it back to me, and he argued that his gift to me was the new wrapping paper that he had put on it. Asshole. - Dian

I'm gonna kill my fucking roommate!

Sam will fuck anything and I'm not kidding. Not anyone, ANYTHING. Weird homeless chicks I can understand, but the carpet, the couch cushions, a shopping bag, the stucco walls, fruit, a ziplock bag of raw eggs. Sam came home last night super wasted like a wobbling deaf slug, woke me up by wandering into my room and knocking shit over. I had to get up and push the walking corpse outta the door cuz he wouldn't leave!?!? The next morning I found several of my freshly washed and rolled up pairs of socks all crusted and hard like goddamn cement tennis balls in the corner next to my bed. I gotta get a real job and get rid of this wierd queer or I'm gonna kill him!

My fish, my dish

So Dian ate some of my fish last night. I'm pissed because I brought it home from an exclusive dinner party and was planning on giving it to some neighborhood cats. I use fish to train them. I have them trained to sit outside of Dian's room and fight. It keeps him up all night. I think that's fucking hilarious. But now he ate my fish, so I can't train the cats to mess with him. He also left my fish dish in the sink without washing it. I just went up to his room, filled the dish with meat and left it under his bathroom sink. It will rot in a few days and he'll think his bathroom stinks because of him. One time I secretly hollowed out all of our oreo cookies and replaced the filling with that orajel stuff that makes your mouth numb. He started crying because he thought his mouth was broken. It was awesome. -sam

My peanut butter, Dude?

There's a disturbing indentation in the jar of peanut butter I just bought!?!?!! My roommate Sam is a fucking creep. - Dian